CPE - Wk. 11 - Goodbyes

This was a week full of goodbyes and preparations for goodbyes. Preparations for evaluations and the evaluations themselves. It was exhausting.

The week began on Monday with regular visits on our assigned units followed by an afternoon didactic on saying goodbyes. When I finished the day at the hospital, I drove an hour over into Illinois to attend the visitation of a patient who had died at Barnes-Jewish the week before. I had visited the patient's parents and daughter several times in the ICU waiting room over the previous two weeks and was there to pray the last prayer over her. Her family specifically asked me to come to the visitation and/or the funeral. The funeral was not possible because of my schedule, but I was honored that the family had valued my presence enough to ask me to be there at that time. I was tired when I got back to St. Louis, but it was a good experience, being present with the family as they were remembering the life of the patient, who had not been conscious in the time I had "known" her in the hospital.

Tuesday I visited a patient who had been moved from my floor to oncology after a new diagnosis. She was glad for my presence and wanted prayer. Again. That evening after leaving the hospital, I went to see a movie: Cowboys and Aliens, which I loved! I should have been working on my self evaluation, which was nowhere near done, but sometimes stress is better relieved through enjoyable procrastination.

Wednesday, I started the day by completing my self-evaluation and supplying copies to my peers and supervisor. At noon, we CPE students had our graduation ceremony and luncheon, attended by staff we invited from our units, as well as by our mentors and the contract chaplains who were available.

My Certificate of Successful Completion of CPE

Thursday a final verbatim from a peer after a day on our units, seeing patients and reminding staff that Friday would be our last day. That evening, instead of working on finishing my program evaluation, I went to the cinema again to see the devastating and beautiful film Sarah's Key.

Friday morning: finishing the program evaluation, had a final individual session with my supervisor. My supervisor gave me a very positive preview of what he will write over the next 45 days in my final evaluation. Then off to the unit for the last time. I took donuts, cookies, and veggies with dip for the floor staff as a goodbye and a thank you. Said goodbyes and voiced my appreciation. And my last patient encounter ended rather quickly with the patient throwing me out of her room because she was not yet able to do anything other than scream or stare out the window after receiving an unexpected and terrible diagnosis. It was an appropriate, if uncomfortable, way to end, a reminder of how little it is possible to accomplish and never to assume that someone will be at a point in their experience where they are able to receive anything positive from even the best-trained and best-intentioned person.

Friday afternoon was our final group session, going over our self-evaluations, taking pictures, and giving our supervisor a card and bookplate for the gift he will be receiving from us within the week: his own personal copy of Siddur Sha'ar Zahav, the prayerbook of the San Francisco LGBT synagogue by that name, a prayerbook that I had used when it was my final turn to present Sacred Text at the beginning of our group session. Jim had been very impressed with the range of life events and style of writing included in the prayerbook. And partly in that experience, my Jewish colleague had come to a greater appreciation of the interfaith value of Jewish liturgy. And our other colleagues responded as impressed as Jim. It just seemed like the one item available for purchase that best fit our experience together this summer. Jim had tears in his eyes, hugged us all, and told us it was the best gift he'd ever gotten from his CPE students.

Goodbyes all round. Peers, supervisor, and staff chaplains leaving one by one. Finally it was down to me and Bob. We went out to dinner together and then on to Central Reform Congregation for Shabbat service, since Bob had been on call when I preached there the previous Friday. We sat together for the service and then said our goodbyes. With emotion felt if not profusely exhibited. But eyes did have a tear.

left to right: Jim Bennett, Bob Crecelius, Deana Sussman,
Crystal Brown, Paul Oakley, and Leanne Noland
CPE-1 2011 Summer Intensive Unit, Barnes-Jewish Hospital, St. Louis MO

I will miss my colleagues very much, who supported me and whom I supported through this experience called CPE: Crystal Brown, Bob Crecelius, Leanne Noland, and Deana Sussman. And our supervisor Jim Bennett. And my mentor Elisha Donaldson. I will miss them all, yet they are now a part of me too.